• Jade

Sabbatical, and in Jade's Defense (guest post: Tasha)

This is Tasha; for anyone who doesn’t know we’re a multiple, yeah. Hi. I’m Jade’s sister. I need to get a few things off my chest, and please hear me, here:  if you have no idea what I’m talking about and none of this applies to you, then just know it wasn’t written for you. And go on about your day and forget this.

Anyway, first things first:  we’re going to be taking a short sabbatical from writing. There are times when personal life, recovery, and other stuff takes too much attention and energy to deal with, and there’s nothing left to give out to anyone else. And that’s where we’re at. Our Facebook has been deactivated for the time being, which is not a permanent thing but we need a short-term break.  We don’t deal well with drama and we don’t need Facebook to further some kind of agenda. There was never an agenda. The people who read our stuff and like it, will find it without Facebook. We never started a blog to gain any kind of notoriety or internet presence, and the friends we’ve made through it were by and large beautiful accidents.

Secondly. I do want to make something known. You (and all of us) have the choice and the ability to allow or disallow whatever things or people you want in your life, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Other people are not entitled to know why you do what you do, and you are not required to defend yourself and your actions unless you want to do so; you do not owe anyone anything. Period. The End.

I’m choosing to, mostly on behalf of Jade, who didn’t and would never ask me to and would probably be mildly irritated that I’m doing this if she were not so undone over many other much bigger and more important stuff than this petty issue. But she is, so I am. The point remains that if for whatever reason you or I woke up tomorrow and decided we don’t want to be friends with someone, despite what we’ve been raised or conditioned to believe, we don’t have to say why. We can just disconnect. Others are not entitled to know our line of reasoning, an explanation, or resolution. They’re not entitled to squat about us that we don’t want them to have. Again: Period. The End.

Others, if they choose and have the maturity to do so, can resolve painful issues – even those that involve us, or other people – within themselves.  They don’t require our participation, and it’s a lack of maturity to think that any particular issue is “about” another person, and can therefore only be “fixed” with that person’s participation. I repeat: that belief denotes a lack of maturity. And that fools them into thinking they must have the other person’s cooperation in order to obtain peace for themselves, and conveniently takes the responsibility for their own emotional health and puts it elsewhere. Besides the fact that it cheats them from obtaining peace that’s not dependent on anyone else, it also implies that the other person involved must concede to this process, which is a nice way of saying “I can’t have peace unless you do what I want and work this thing out with me {e.g. let me control you}.”  This doesn’t go down well with survivors, or any other person that I’ve ever met. It might be a surprise to hear, but let me assure you, if you have an issue with someone else, you do not need that person’s cooperation or involvement to come to peace about that issue. You’re handing your power over to someone who doesn’t need to have it, when you believe that.

Sometimes I think we (we, meaning my system) get so caught up in believing that we have to do everything in our power to make sure everyone likes us all the time, everyone is happy with us, no one thinks anything bad about us, etc, and we spin our wheels so hard trying to be heard and understood and justified and maintain a reputation and x, y, and z, that we forget WE DO NOT OWE ANYONE ANYTHING.  Guess what?  We’re human. We have bad days. We make wrong choices. We get pissed off and say things we probably shouldn’t have said and we get sad and withdraw when we theoretically “should” be able to stay open and vulnerable and continue to let people tear our hearts out at will — but guess what?  Life doesn’t work that way.  Sorry to sound bitchy, but that’s just reality. Just because Jade is a blogger who is becoming a bit well-known doesn’t mean she has all the answers or is perfect or thinks she knows everything, or whatever the opinion might be that may be circulated based on basically much ado about nothing. If Jade were writing right now, she’d say the same thing.  Except that Jade probably wouldn’t even bother to write any of this, because Jade knows that she doesn’t need to defend herself to people who actually know her, and she knows that reasonable adults don’t make judgments based on hearsay without actually finding out information for themselves. But what can I say, I’m the dumb little sister, so I haven’t learned those things yet.

If people are going to judge us based on one bad day, or one bad decision, or one “off” response to a situation, that speaks volumes about them and where THEY are, not us.  We know who our real friends are, and they don’t tear us down under the guise of caring or trying to make themselves look like some kind of martyr.  They especially don’t target our system when we’re already in a bad place, and kick us when we’re already down.

People can realistically only give what they have received. So if they have no mercy for others’ attempts to do the best they can with bad options, no tolerance for imperfection or weakness or just plain having a bad day, no grace for the healing process, and they’re giving offense, judgment,  condemnation, and viciousness (and have the gall to call it caring), that tells us that that’s what they’ve received and internalized, and that’s what they have to give – to draw from – when push comes to shove. It means nothing about us. If all they can do is regurgitate back to us a twisted version of some things Jade said, as if that was their own original thoughts (nice try), then that tells us they don’t have enough of their own individuality at this time in their life to come up with any of their own thoughts or opinions. All they can do is try to steal others’ (ours) and act like it’s their own. Sad, but ultimately not our problem.

Our hope is that they will find what they need, to change their internal experiences and resources and come to a healthier place at some point in the future. Our best to them. Truly. May they find what they need to be whole.

In the same vein, if you don’t value Jade, you don’t value her words, don’t think her contributions are worthwhile to the survivor community or groups or whatever she’s involved in, that says more about you than her. She values everyone even if she doesn’t agree with them. She would (and is, if you haven’t noticed) fight the system for you even if you turn around and slander her in return. She’s still human; she gets triggered or ticked off or sad, just like every other survivor. It’s not even logical to judge her character based on one situation. She’s not better than anyone else, and she doesn’t (and never has) think she is, but damned if I’m going to stand back and let people tell her (or imply that) she’s worthLESS. It’s 1) blatantly untrue, and 2) cruel and in the same category of things that abusers have told us for years. Again, I’m sorry to sound bitchy, but she’s my system sister and I care about her and I know more than anyone what she has been through. Both for my sake and the sake of my system, and also just to be willing to put herself out there, on a blog, on the internet, in public. To be vulnerable – when it goes against her very private and protective nature – for the sake of helping people she doesn’t even know.

Jade has tried on this blog to share information that she has found to be true for us, and in some cases, true for others. She has never claimed it to be the only right thing or the only way to look at things. If you disagree, feel free to go find someone else to follow. It won’t offend her. We wish you well and hope that you find what you need, even if it’s not here. We started this blog for our close friends that we know in real life, in person, and like I already said, the other connections we’ve made were just (mostly) beautiful accidents. Fringe benefits, if you want to call it that. For the most part, we have loved connecting with readers and hearing their heart wrenching stories, and those stories are always with us. We will never stop fighting or advocating for change, for more knowledge, more awareness, more resources for people with DID/trauma/mental illness. But right now we are in the position of needing the help that does not exist. So we have to put our energy into surviving, until we can pick up that yoke again. And, if and when we can, we will.  Again, if none of this applies to you, by all means, don’t worry about it. I will leave you with this video, which is Jade’s very heart toward making things better for ALL of us, including you, no matter whether you’re new here, or not, and no matter what has or hasn’t happened recently. ~Tash

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