In Awe of How Sacred YOU Are (Guest Post: Robert Miller)
Hey, Robert here…I’d like to be a little bit vulnerable here. We want to begin to slowly talk about relationships with those who are survivors, and those who do and do not have DID.
I’m sitting here at 6am. The house is quiet other than Jade’s critters.
She didn’t sleep well for various reasons. Normal life stuff.
Yesterday was probably one of the most normal days we’ve had since our relationship began. It was also probably one of my favorite days that we’ve ever had.
You see, I am a classic codependent. I come from relationships that were unintentionally abusive, both my mom and my ex. I was a mess. And you know what, I still am just a little bit.
Aren’t we all?
Aren’t we all just a little bit broken?
I never, ever expected to fall so deeply in love as I have with Jade. She amazes me each and every day.
My mind was finely tuned to ALWAYS feel as though I’m on trial, and though I’m in try outs, each and every day. That one slip up could RUIN the whole thing.
But Jade’s love is strong. When she makes up her mind and claims you, you’d better settle in, because now it’s the long haul.
That is something very healing.
Conversely, I also am intensely loyal.
We don’t throw my love around lightly.
And yet, day in and out, my body still has memories, just as Jade’s does. It gets afraid of being hurt again. My inside people, my system doesn’t yet know that it is truly safe here in the life we are building together.
Sometimes, when we’re apart, my mind can get very dark. Certain interactions over messenger can feel like torture to me. My mind races with it’s sometimes overactive and obsessive imagination. “Did that make her mad? Did I blow it this time? Ugh… that was such a dumb joke. WHY AM I LIKE THIS? I JUST WANT TO SEE HER FACE!!!!”
But I am learning that these are the cries of my little ones. They have found home, and they just don’t want to lose it. They long for a mother’s touch, a touch that isn’t for Jade to give. So, I go inside and care for them, wrap around them and give that to them. Then I can reemerge as a man, and enjoy this friendship.
I have to deal with, I have TO LOVE my insides so that I can enjoy the outside world. Not just Jade, but everyone.
Yesterday, we simply existed together. We both worked. She on her new manuscript for DLO 3, I on my own work. We sat silently on the bed, plugging away. Now and again she would show me a funny meme. (Because obviously this helps us get work done… lol) Now and then I’ll tell her something I’m excited about.
There was space. Sacred space.
Last night we talked for a very long time. We like talking. I love LOVE to listen to her. I wish I could see inside her mind, to see her world… I want to know it all, as painful as some of it may be to see. I just want to see from her eyes sometimes.
But there was so much room for it all. So much space.
Something clicked yesterday, despite what my body feels at times, (and it gets less and less each day) this is special.
I’m something special. I get to meet ALL of Jade. Day after day, I get to know her and her inside people just a wee bit better. They’re beautiful and wonderful, and I am the lucky one that gets to be let in to that world. She picked me.
I’ve got to tell you, Jade is so special. She could pick ANYONE in my opinion. She’s clever, smart, a badass. She owns herself.
But… she picked me. This truth makes me feel very, very precious.
That revelation makes me sigh such deep relief. But then I realize that she should feel very special too.
You see, I picked Jade.
I didn’t have to.
I’m a complicated, ADHD, recovering codependent, by all rights broken individual. If I’m going to pick someone, they damn well better be special. They’d better be pretty amazing, understanding and patient. They’d better be full of magic because my world is WACKY with random. I’m a hyper planner, and though I’m co-conscious with all of my parts, when they take over (which I haven’t mastered the art of them doing this smoothly yet) my mood swings and differences CAN BE DRASTIC.
Who can drink from this cup?
Thing is, I’m NOT a problem. I’m just… me.
And I choose to join forces with Jade, and we just… fit. We have what I’m starting to look at as “complementary brokenness.” We’re broken in ways that we accept, own, and share. Ways that when combined serve to strengthen us as a whole. We own our weaknesses, and look each other in the eye not to fix, but to appreciate and revere each other.
So, that’s all well and good. But why on earth am I telling YOU all about this.
Go reread the title.
You, the tribe of Jade… I am in AWE OF HOW SACRED YOU ARE.
Don’t settle for anything but that complementary brokenness. Don’t settle for anything less than someone who looks at you as a sacred and holy being. You are full of wonder and are truly worthy of love.
I don’t know you all the way Jade does. But I know Jade. And she loves you so very much. She carries you in her heart.
Her fragments… her inside people, they show me light. You have the same light in you, and YOU are important… you matter.
I guess, in the end, I’m learning to look at myself in the mirror and realize just how special I am. In the past, I’ve been chronically vulnerable. I let too many people in, and it was a defense mechanism. If I can open a vein and control the way people would violate me, then I WAS THE ONE IN CONTROL. But nonetheless, I was still violated.
I had no self-worth.
If there’s anything I’m learning from Jade it is this:
YOU ARE SPECIAL.
You are precious.
Your story is sacred.
YOUR NAME is sacred.
Your inside people are sacred.
Your brokenness is holy.
You are sacred, dear one.